


from the words that i spoke in my heart

by fleetingly



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Magic, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Gen, M/M, Tampa Bay Lightning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-20 21:57:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16146359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fleetingly/pseuds/fleetingly
Summary: Yanni has been magic since the day he was born, and that’s what he brags on the ice after the tightest of saucer passes connect with his teammates. His friends will laugh and his coaches smile, and it’s all funny.What Yanni doesn’t say is that no, really, he’s been magic since the day he was born. Some of the best little secrets are kept, after all.





	from the words that i spoke in my heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [verbaeghe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/verbaeghe/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Max Laryngitis](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13516473) by [verbaeghe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/verbaeghe/pseuds/verbaeghe). 



> trigger/caution warnings at the end--
> 
> !!! dear verbaeghe, i was captivated when i first read Max Laryngitis, and then getting to the end note note about yanni's magic?!! uffdah. i was hooked. every time i pulled up the google doc to work on the assignment, all i could think about was lil magic yanni who didn't listen to his truth and his magic helping him love one earnest jake. 
> 
> title is inspired by the lyrics of "hurting" by sg lewis ft. aluna george because i listened to it on repeat while editing. i shudder i say anything i did could be termed "research" because i wasn't actually trying to recreate yanni's family, and i don't know how to write about actual hockey!

Yanni has been magic since the day he was born, and that’s what he brags on the ice after the tightest of saucer passes connect with his teammates. His friends will laugh and his coaches smile, and it’s all funny. 

What Yanni doesn’t say is that no, really, he’s been magic since the day he was born. Some of the best little secrets are kept, after all. 

 

\----

 

Yanni was not born under a full, super, blood, half, waxing, waning, or any other kind of moon. Or, well, if he was, that was never the cause of his magic, so he never paid attention to those kind of natal details. No, as the story goes in the Gourde household, it’s a latent trait that follows the mother’s, and it’s just a matter of fate whether Yanni would have been Blessed or not. A twist of his breath entering the world and maybe Yanni would never have been, well, _Yanni_. 

Luckily, the world was correct and all is in its proper place, and Yanni was magic. 

It didn’t manifest noticeably, but not long after Yanni started grade school it became clear to Yanni that his family was not like his school friend’s families. When it was sharing time in grade 1 and Yanni had the chance to take his turn, being careful not to interrupt anyone else because Miss Villiers had told him not to during morning coloring even though the story Andy was sharing was totally the same as Yanni’s bed time routine except--

“Well, Maman and Papa and I sit in a circle and tell stories before I go to bed, but we don’t do the dorky baby stories like Goodnight, Moon or whatever,” Miss Villiers held her first finger up and Yanni started speaking quicker because he know he was being mean about Luc’s favorite story that he had been talking about but that was a _baby_ book and Yanni wasn’t a baby anymore so he didn’t really understand Luc. He continued, “Maman likes to share stories about cooking and growing your own garden and the important foods I have to eat. Sometimes they get boring, but it’s nice to hear about plants.” Miss Villiers puts her hand down and actually gives a smile. 

“Okay, thank you, Yanni, for sharing with all of us. Mathieu, are you--”

Yanni had something else he wanted to share because he hadn’t told everything about his evening routine with his Maman and Papa and he knew it wasn’t weird, but, his parents had also told him to keep some things just on the inside. 

So, while he tuned out Mathieu and the evening bath routine Mathieu was talking about, Yanni thought to himself. “I like the plant stories. I like learning about plants and how important they are to us. Maman says, there are no weeds, just plants we don’t know how to listen to, and I believe that.” 

And with that thought, Yanni felt a part of himself deep in the center of his heart be whole and content. He was content throughout the rest of the day, and on the school bus home, and in the car to hockey practice with his Papa driving. Even when he took a big spill into the boards and his teammates laughed at him, Yanni could feel he was whole and content. 

When his parents sat in a circle on the floor of his room, Yanni grabbed their hands and held on tight as he told the story of what happened that day. It didn’t feel as strong since he was sleepy and the day had been long and Yanni was still very small, but he still felt a sliver of the whole and contented. 

“Anyway, today was just, a really good day,” Yanni said and smiled. He didn’t understand why Maman looked at Papa for a really long time before squeezing his hand and saying, “Yes, today was a good day for me, too,” but the smile on her face was beautiful and Yanni slept peacefully that night. 

 

\----

 

Most nights, and most days, were uneventful as Yanni grew up. More and more things became clear to Yanni that his life was a little different than everyone he knew. Not worse, not better, just different. He would go to his friend Luc’s house the most because they played hockey together and it was easier to carpool that way. Yanni missed the special time he had with his Papa because it was always a little different with others around, but Luc was fun, and not the baby he first thought Luc was. 

When they were at Luc’s house, they would go two days a week after school and Yanni’s Papa would pick them up. Luc’s mom gave them a snack, and she tried to be healthy, but the snacks were never as good as the food his Maman made. Yanni looked at the kitchen for the garden pots, and couldn't find any. Did Luc’s mom not grow her own herbs? Was this store bought oregano? 

“You know, oregano can grow almost anywhere,” Yanni said, looking at Luc’s mom. She did not know he was speaking to her. Yanni wondered if maybe he had used his inside voice like when he spoke to the deep center of his heart, so he tried again only louder. “Oregano can grow anywhere and doesn’t need any tending!”

Luc’s mom did look over from where she was stirring a pot on the stove. It did not smell bad to Yanni, but it didn’t smell great either--luckily it was almost time for hockey practice soon. She didn’t say anything about oregano, but she did chide Yanni for using a very loud voice when they were inside. 

Yanni blushed red with embarrassment and kicked Luc’s feet under the table. He used his very special inside voice to promise the deep center of his heart that the next day he was Luc’s house they would make sure to plant some oregano from Yanni’s pots, so maybe Luc’s mom could make better food. 

The nighttime routine was almost done before Yanni remembered his plan and asked his Maman if he could take some oregano over to Luc’s. Well, Yanni was 9 now, and the pots were his to take care of, but he wanted to check to make sure it was okay. 

“Maman, could I bring some of my oregano over to Luc’s house and plant it in his yard so his mom can make better food?”

Maman stared at him, and now, after Yanni was so much older than when they had first sat him down when he was so small, he knew that that meant she was thinking and needed to look at him to get the whole picture. “You are very deep, my dearest son, I don’t want to miss anything,” and Yanni would always laugh and say, “but I’m your only son!”

But Yanni didn’t think he was trying to be very deep with the oregano. He wasn’t trying to sneak anything or lie, which always made him feel bad in the very center of his heart.

“Why do you want to bring oregano over to Luc’s house?”

“Luc’s mom uses store bought so her sandwich snacks just don’t taste as good.”

“Is that what you’re going to say when you bring the oregano over?” 

Yanni blushed red with embarrassment for the second time that day and said “No. That wouldn’t be polite.” 

Papa made a sound that could have been a laugh. Maman made a face that could almost be a smile. 

“No, Yanni, it wouldn’t.” Papa said.

“But,” Yanni said, “It would be true to how I feel on the inside, which you always say I need to listen to.” 

“Ah, yes, we do. Okay, how about, the next time your Papa goes to take you and Luc to hockey, he brings your oregano with him, and you can give it to to Luc and his mom. Maybe that could be a thing that he and his mom do, like you and I do. Does that still sound true to you?”

The deep center of his heart was warm, and Yanni nodded. 

 

\----

 

Yanni kicked the curb in anger and then was angry because he had kicked the curb when he knew that would just hurt his foot which could fuck up hockey. Not that that wasn’t already an issue since he had been dismissed from practice without even getting a chance to put on his skates. 

“And why am I picking you up, Yanni?”

Yanni had sighed into the school phone next to the nurse’s office. The deep center of his heart was ice frozen cold. There was no one around but he still couldn’t find the words to say. 

“I’ll be there in about 15 minutes, Yanni,” his dad had said. “See you.” 

Yanni had hung up the dead line and grabbed his bag to sit out at the bench by the front of the school for pick up. It was in that sweet spot that all regular stragglers were gone, and all the kids allowed to stay for after school activities were still busy doing those activities. Yanni was alone with his ice frozen cold center of his heart. 

He kicked the curb and dropped his hockey bag on the ground. He wanted to throw it, but even now he knew that wouldn’t really help, and it would just hurt the rosemary woven into the inside pockets. He was just so--

Luc was just so--

The worst part was that even feeling so awful and his heart so cold, and how soul-crushing the fight was in the locker room, Yanni knew he still loved Luc. And it was love, no matter what Luc or Gerard, or Alex, or anyone had to say about it. 

The deep center of his heart was thawing a little as he sat by his bag, breathing in deep like his mom had taught him when he was little boy with so many things to say and not enough time to say them. 

High school was not easy, and some days were easier than others, even in spite of, or especially because of how deep and full his heart was. And Yanni knew boys didn’t stay friends forever, especially with hockey teams and travel and the Q, but he thought maybe he and Luc would be close. Or, Yanni shook his head and thought to himself, “We were supposed to be together, like Jean and Anna.” And then Yanni thought very quietly to himself, almost so quiet not even he couldn't hear, “We were supposed to kiss each other.”

And so that is how Yanni’s dad found him, sitting on the curb with a full and heavy heart. Yanni wanted to be angry, but he was more sad, and resigned, and ready to think about what he would need to say to his coaches so he didn’t get kicked off the team forever. 

Yanni and his dad sat in silence, with only some bland talk radio out of Quebec City on quietly in the background as they drove home. When they got to the house, Yanni put his gear away in the mud room, and his dad went to the living room where his laptop and a financial station was on the TV. Yanni brought his backpack into the room and started on his chemistry homework. He usually did his homework in his room, but he liked the idea of being with his dad more. 

After about 30 minutes and a mostly balanced chemistry equation, Yanni thought his dad had been patient enough. Yanni was ready to talk. 

“Dad, can I ask you a question?”

His dad clicked some keys and then closed the lid on his laptop. He waved Yanni to go on. 

“How did you know you were… uh, no,” Yanni paused. “How did you know you liked who, uh, you liked?”

“I assume you don’t mean your mother, because--”

“No, no,” Yanni interrupted. He definitely knew that story. It was sappy, and gross, and sweet, and apparently a spontaneously flowering bougainvillea was involved. “No, uh, not Mom, but, like… mom.”

Yanni’s dad smiled. “Ah. Well, It was in grade 9, when in the span of a winter, I had crushes on 3 girls in my school. Your uncle Pierre finally told me that maybe I didn’t so much like these specific girls, but that I just really liked girls. And he was right. grade 9 was sort of when girls became people to me, and to a certain extent I felt like I had special insight to them because talking to them was so easy. I, of course, thought that made me great,” his dad laughs and makes an exaggerated face, “but of course later I’ve since realized that that was just me realizing girls were humans too, and I had a certain pref-, uh, draw toward some groups of humans.”

“Oh,” Yanni said. “That...makes sense.” In the deep center of his heart, that made sense to him, some. But--

Yanni announced, “I don’t like girls. Like that.”

“Okay.” 

Yanni took a deep breath like when he was on the curb, and like when he was a small boy in his mother’s arms and she was holding his chest to show him how to listen to his heart when it felt too full and loud. “I like boys, I think. And I really, really, like Luc. But he uh, he doesn’t feel the same way.”

“I’m sorry about Luc, that really--that sucks? You know?” 

Yanni put his hands over his face and groaned. Even as he took them away from his face, though, he wanted to smile with relief, or go run a 10k. He felt a little like he had run a 10k, actually, just sitting on the couch with the chemistry book still open on his lap. 

“Yanni?” his dad asked, and Yanni looked at him. “You know I’m not sorry about who you like, and how you feel, right? I love you, you’re my son--”

“--in whom you are most proud,” Yanni interrupted. 

His dad laughed. “--my son, yes, in whom I am most proud, and I am sorry you are hurting right now, but me loving you is never related to who you do or don’t like. Okay?”

Yanni smiled and the deep center of his heart was so warm and full. “Yeah, dad, I know.” 

 

\----

 

Meeting Jake Dotchin was refreshing because while he was a big guy and not afraid to use his size, he wasn’t an asshole about it. It was hard to even get mad at him for leaving his bitten fucked-up shirts anywhere and everywhere before, during, and after a practice. 

Once, a shirt was even hanging up in Yanni’s locker and his deep center of his heart was so stupidly warm and charmed by recognizing the shirt as Jake’s, that Yanni just knew he was in too deep. His center of centers, his heart, had never led him astray on when to speak up and when to stay silent, but Jake was too good and Yanni felt too much for something that wouldn’t possibly be meaningful. 

But his heart! His very center! The most magical part of him was just a fucking burning hole in his chest. So, he did his best to tell the truth and let his feelings show in truthful, but clearly overlooked ways. 

Tracking Jake’s bitten shirts down just went over with blushes and mumbled “thanks.” 

Saving a seat at a bar or getting a beer in advance for him went over with blushes and, “I’ll get you next time, Yanni.”

Luckily, Yanni was able to stay chill on the ice--well, for the most part. Frankly, he can’t be blamed for thanking Jake for an awesome read to block a shot that only happened because Yanni had made a turnover in the neutral zone. That was just sportsmanship. 

And so Yanni focused on one man all throughout Syracuse and then when both made the jump to Tampa, and still. He never shared the most important words of the warmest, deepest center of his heart with Jake. There were too many what-ifs, and with his career so new, Yanni couldn’t take the risk; he wouldn't.

 

Yanni has been magic since the day he was born, and that’s what he brags on the ice after the tightest of saucer passes connect with his teammates. His friends will laugh and his coaches smile, and it’s all funny. 

What Yanni doesn’t say is that no, really, he’s been magic since the day he was born. Some of the best little secrets are kept, after all. 

Until one morning, after waking up late, wearing the first clothes he could get his hands on, and out of breath, no words come out of his mouth when he tries to say “good morning” to Pointer. Pointer leaves, apparently not realizing that Yanni couldn’t talk, so this morning skate isn’t going as planned. 

Yanni gets to his stall and starts getting ready for skate. _Oh, Yanni,_ the deep center of his heart says, _you listen to me, today. It’s time you figure out what you want to say to the boy who lives here in me._

Yanni looks up as Jake enters the locker room, and the deep center of his heart is so warm and overflowing, he can’t help but smile.

**Author's Note:**

> trigger/caution warning: there is a coming out scene which follows an off-screen shitty moment between boys in a locker room. there is no violence, just a verbal altercation, and ultimately all that happens is a friendship is broken. no accusations and no outing occurs in the off-screen referenced scene. 
> 
>  
> 
> anything good and enjoyable about this fic can and should be attributed to the verbaeghe inspo. :)


End file.
